The Gym Experience

If I had seen this before, I wouldn't have had to join a gym

>Thanks to someone I know, (and you know who you are) I was able to join recently a gym for the first time in my life. In college I had access to the gym there, but there were no membership dues expected and it wasn’t anything near to the standards a local area gym has established. The gym has always been an interesting thing for me because there seems to be a specific culture that exists there. All types of people, at one point in their lives, join a gym with the hope of their health and physical appearance drastically improving. With so many different people frequenting a gym, a culture is created with a vast diversity of people within it. Last night was my first night in this experience. And the following are my first impressions on the groups of people who make up the gym culture. Let me know if you have experienced the same thing.

Here are the groups of which I speak:

In The Zone: Those that fall in this category are the dedicated gym patron. They come in with the only true purpose that should exist at a gym: To workout. They usually have their ipod turned on, earphones in, completely oblivious to their surroundings. There isn’t any delay from one workout to another, no exaggerated wait to rest from a strenuous routine. These are the type that would ignore the birth of their child, delay leaving to assist a friend or family member in an emergency, or even take proper medical care of themselves if they were bleeding profusely suddenly so that they could finish their workout.

Deer in the Headlight: These are the folks who don’t frequent the gym often enough to feel confident and secured doing work outs in front of other people. They automatically feel intimidated the moment they step foot in the gym. To them, it’s too complicated to figure out the in’s and out’s of each machine, and dumbbell. They realize working out is good for them, but wish it could be done while playing video games instead of actually putting forth the work. You can spot them easily; they usually do more looking around than working out. Instead of knowing what each machine does, you can see them meandering through the gym, reading the instructions of each machine, getting on the machine, and then once they realize it’s hard, will do only a few repetitions and get off, trying to appear like they are satisfied. They are also easily distracted by good looking “douchebags” or “douchebaguettes” (see further down).

Cheech was part of the "Deer in the Headlight" group

Social Networking: Apparently, according to this group, you pay a membership fee once a month, complete with a year or two year contract, for the sole purpose of gathering at a building filled with workout equipment to be social. I thought that was what a club or bar was for? Those in this group are seen talking and laughing with others more than they are seen lifting weights or running on a treadmill. However, this group at least tries to make it appear they have come with the intent on working out by carrying with them a cool-looking bottle of water or sports drink. For whatever reason, this group also usually has the newest in workout clothes and/or shoes. And why wouldn’t they? They certainly aren’t sweating up a storm, so the new clothes will maintain their pristine condition.

Douchebag(s) of the Gym: This group is not only an annoying one but can also be highly entertaining. Before we delve into this group however, it is necessary to understand the true definition of a “douchebag”. So, we go to our handy Urbandictionary.com to help us.

Due to the high number of user-written definitions of the term, and some of the terminology used, I decided to pick one of the higher rated definitions for “douchebag”. It goes as follows: “An individual who has an over-inflated sense of self worth, compounded by a low level of intelligence, behaving ridiculously in front of colleagues with no sense of how moronic he appears.” I also liked this definition: ”A “douchebag” usually assumes the form of a hair-gelling pretty-boy but can also be described as an overzealous, pompous, or vexatious ass**** that most people wish were killed with a Mortal Kombat fatality.” I’d highly recommend the Scorpion fatality myself.

This group will work out, and everyone can see that they work out due to their physique, but the intention is what separates them from the rest. They usually roll up, with their hair actually done up, walking in tight, form-fitting clothing to show off their muscle and definition, and most of the time are loud and boisterous, assuming their friends with all of the other gym people and that everyone wishes they could be like them. These are also the types who make sure there is a mirror near them as they work out. If an attractive member of the opposite sex is near, that’s when they exert all their energy at once, hoping that by so doing the attractive person will desire to do all sorts of “personal work outs” with them back at their place.

This term is usually reserved for men but it should be noted this term is also perfectly descriptive of women douchebags, affectionately known as “douchebaguettes.” “Douchebaguettes” wear scantily-clad clothing with the intent on being the reason for a string of cold showers in the men’s shower. Sometimes what they wear can be hardly considered clothing, as it looks a lot of the time like underwear. They know everyone focuses on them as they walk, go to the treadmill, or lift the two pound weights. Being “eye candy” doesn’t describe them fittingly enough. They are more like “Chocolate-chip-cookie-stuffed-Oreo-cookies-with-Reeses-Pieces-and-Twix-bars eye candy with Steroids.”

The way a douchebag jogs on a treadmill......

The final group:

The All In One: The person in this group pulls up to the gym. It’s been awhile, so there are some butterflies in the stomach. He searches around frantically in his car because he is too cheap to buy a sports bottle. He finds a used, probably health-code violation Dasani water bottle from months ago to take with him. Since he forgot to change into his special, supportive work out underwear, he takes off his clothes to put it on. He rolls up the windows in his car, telling himself that somehow that will obscure anyone from seeing this change of clothes in the car. Properly suited up, he gets out of the car and walks up to the entrance with mismatched white socks, tennis shoes that are over a year old and wearing a shirt and a pair of shorts that are two different shades of black. Upon entering, he walks around aimlessly for ten minutes before he makes up his mind to start on the treadmill. With ipod turned on and earphones in the ears, he proceeds to concentrate on running. After nearly falling off two or three times on the treadmill because he turned the speed up too much to start, he chooses to move into the free-weight dumbbell area of the gym. Walking uprightly and with a smooth stride to make the appearance he knows what he’s doing, he picks up a set of dumbbells and realizes they are too heavy. But he doesn’t want to look foolish, so he puts on a “I can do this” face and goes to the chair to attempt to lift them. Making sure there’s a mirror in front of him, he does about half of the set of repetitions he intended to do. Spent, he places the weights back on the shelf with sweat streaming down his face and onto the bench he was sitting on. He nods to the other guys in the room as if he has been there all this time and moves to the machine weights. There, he spends five minutes reading the instructions on the ab machine before getting on and trying it out. After another set of reps cut short due to too much weight, he gets off, flexes his arm muscles in front of the mirror, scratches himself, and then immediately exits the gym. I go to my car satisfied.

It’s a great feeling knowing that you have dedicated some time in a busy day to work your body out; to get the kinks out and start the process towards a new lifestyle and body. When I left the gym last night after a “successful” first day of my membership to this particular gym, I felt a renewed sense of optimism and I even have a new image in my mind of how I’ll look in the coming days and weeks. So, to celebrate, I pull into my neighborhood Publix supermarket, and stock up with the following:

Two half gallon ice cream cartons, nacho fixin's and Dr. Pepper, one is Diet.

This work out thing is fun!