Ok, so texting my junk to women is frowned upon, right?

As some may or may not know, I have recently re-entered the single life. This is not a joyous occasion mind you; I hated dating when I was in school and I have no "giddy" feelings about re-entering the dating life. This fear comes from a perpetual fear of failing at entertaining my date. I am cursed with the dreaded "Cruise Director" curse when it comes to dating, or in other words, I feel like every miniscule part of the date must be planned ahead of time, and that there is not to be a silent or dull moment at all during the date so as to avoid any potential awkwardness.

Everyone knows where I'm coming from. We all have been on that date when all the "basic" dating conversation points have been covered (where you from?; what are your interests?; what's your favorite color?; what's the average speed velocity of an unladened swallow?; etc.), and then you find that both of you are sitting in traffic, heading to the date desination in a silence that is deafening. This silence is overcome when finally someone does the obligatory "Sooooooooooooo, what do you do again at your job?, or something along those lines" conversation re-ignitors. Either that or the radio is turned on (which I'm never comfortable with either.)

So now that I've returned to dating life, I must ask myself what is appropriate in terms of initiating a request for a date or how to make that move easier? What are women expecting of their date? What expectations am I required to live up to during the date? The mere asking of these questions makes me long for the days I thought girls still had cooties. However, I feel as though I have no idea how to answer those questions. Instead, I'll just state what I know about it all and then get feedback as to if I need to remain celibate all my life or if I'm on the right track.

BJ's dating philosophy #1: Never do anything, which may appear on your local social network

This seems a bit obvious but recent news events seems to suggest otherwise. Apparently Congressmen think it a good idea to text pictures of their "bits" to random women spread out throughout the country. Now, I may be wrong but I don't remember reading this as being a necessary step in the courting process of a young lady. I mean, I'm as confident as the next man, don't get me wrong but somehow I find it an almost whip-lash like move to go from "Hey, my name is _____, how are you doing?" to "Take a look at Mr. Dugan."

As much as I wish to make fun of Congressmen for texting lewd pictures of themselves to women, and for making the point of not embarrassing oneself on social media sites, now comes the part when I must explain my lost sports bet. Last year I bet a friend of mine in DC that my Georgia Bulldogs would beat the Florida Gators in the annual rivalry game in Jacksonville, FL. The wager was that the loser would have to dress in the winning teams colors in ladies' clothing, complete with make up, a fake rack, etc. Well, my zealousness in supporting my Dawgs caused me to make myself into Benjamina VerHoef. However, I figure any woman who can get passed the photo of me in double-D Angel Soft toilet paper boobs and a hairy chest can accept all of me without prejudice........... no wonder why I'm still single.

BJ's dating philosophy #2: I open doors, I pay for the food, I plan the date (damnit), and I ensure my date's needs are met

Apparently, it has become an accepted practice to "go dutch" when on a date; that the woman is actually allowed to pay for her meal and any other aspects of the entertainment during a date. Not only is she allowed to pay, it seems an affront to all women everywhere if the guy pays for the date! Watch it, some woman is burning her bra somewhere with gasoline.

I've heard the following when I've attempted to pay for any part of a date: "You don't have to pay for that."; "I can pay for my own, ya know!"; "Why are you paying for me?" It's almost as if by me paying for your date, I am somehow sending you back to the early 20th century before women's rights came to be and I am insulting an entire sex. First off, if I wanted to insult an entire sex, I'd say something like "Why couldn't Helen Keller drive? Cause she's a woman." But instead of saying that (oops), let me explain how a gentleman should act on a date.

The guy pulls up to the girl's house, gets out of his car and comes up to the door to call on her. Every door that comes along their path during the evening will be opened by him; that girl's hands will never touch a doorknob throughout the course of the date. When the time comes for something to be paid for, not only will she not be able to pay, but she isn't even allowed to look at how much it costs. And if she gets cold during the date, clothing will be taken off the guy and given to girl, hence Green Bay Packer fans in December during the NFL season. They aren't drunk, they just brought their dates/wives with them and they got cold!

Nothing in that above paragraph is done because we think you are incapable of doing any of those things. I'm sure you are perfectly able to open a door or pay for something. But the point is, we are not gentlemen if we fail in any of those aspects. It's just tacky for it to be done differently from what I prescribed. If these guidelines aren't being met, the guy most likely is not worth your time. And if you're offended at how I work during a date, hug a tree, burn a bra, sponsor an Ethiopian kid and go date the next-in-line dbag wearing an Affliction shirt and who is an avid Nickelback fan who will be more than happy for you to pay your own way, and not only refuse to open or hold open a door for you but will also most likely suggest that you meet him for the date somewhere.

BJ's dating philosophy #3: Eat your damn food!

I like eating....... I know, that may come as a shock to you. There's no way to believe that I like eating, I only talk about it most every day on my Facebook account. From my famous "Crack balls" to Oreo-stuffed Chocolate Chip cookies, to my famous Doritos Cool Ranch Chicken nachos, as long as it's dead and/or processed, I'm gonna eat it. Now, during a date, it is sometimes part of the agenda to go to a restaurant.....you know, have food? The code? There apparently is some epidemic hitting the country hard because when I was dating regularly years ago, it was natural for the girl not to eat anything.

Ok, I don't know what yall are trying to pull but it pisses me off. I've been on many-a-date where we go to a restaurant, I'm starving (partly cause I'm nervous) and all I wanna do is stuff my face full of something absolutely unhealthy. As I shovel the food into my mouth, the girl across from me looks at the Bangledesh-like salad in front of her, takes one bite of a piece of lettuce, and then curses herself for having eaten that much and how much she's gonna have to pay for that "indiscretion." It reminds me of the movie "Clueless":

"Cher: I feel like such a heifer. I had two bowls of Special K, 3 pieces of turkey bacon, a handful of popcorn, 5 peanut butter M&M's and like 3 pieces of licorice."

As if.......

Let me take this time to announce a universal truth all men know about women: We know what you do when you go home. Oh yeah, you may feel like a heifer eating a piece of lettuce, or having counted the exact number of Cheetos you've consumed (which, I don't think is possible). But when yall arrive home, you throw open the pantry door, rip open into anything that has the word "Chocolate" on the packaging and down it faster than you can say "Sally Struthers." And that is before you find out which practically illegal flavor of Ben & Jerry's ice cream you have hidden in the freezer behind the fish sticks and french fries. It is ok to eat openly and freely in front of us on a date. So if we go to a place that has wings, lose all dignity and tear into those suckers!


Who's hungry?

Oh, and if it is because you fear you may have gas or indigestion later, no matter. I frequently have what is called "Nervous Date Gas". If I can handle that, you can handle a little food-created gas after our stop at the restaurant...........perhaps I should remind myself of my first philosophy point about not embarrassing myself in public....................

If it wasn't passed midnight on a work night, I'd write a couple of more pet peeves/philosophy points I have up my sleeves. Those will have to wait for another blog post. Meanwhile, look these over and tell me if I have another head growing out of my neck or if I'm on the "acceptable" dating path in the eyes of women.