Understanding and Retaining Your Man Card

It has been entirely too long since the last post I wrote, and for that I apologize. Life has been hectic recently but has been freed up a bit more and I’m taking out the new-found energy on a new blog post. It is the time of year for resolutions and half-hearted attempts at improving one’s life. I intend to do just that with this blog and post more frequently. Before I get to the “meat” of my blog, a quick update on the one facet of life that inspired this blog to begin with.

‘Tis the season for Chuck Norris comparisons to the J-Hey Kid and lofty, unattainable expectations on an upcoming Braves season. That’s the whole fun of it right? Talk and dream up the perfect baseball season, only to watch it crumble before your eyes thanks to the ineptitude of a second baseman in the worst moments of the most important game of the season……I’m talking to you Brooks Conrad. And no, I’m still not over last postseason’s collapse. I only now have untangled myself from the fetal position I escaped to after game four of the Divisional Series against the Giants. Isn’t this fun???!!! The fact that “The Battle” from the “Gladiator” movie soundtrack is playing as I write this doesn’t help.

But it is almost the month of February and that means one of the most significant dates in the year comes up. No, it is not Valentine’s Day, it is “Pitchers and Catcher’s Report” Day. Coincidentally enough, it falls on the same day as Valentine’s Day. I love how MLB thumbs its nose at commercial retailers and Cupid-induced love birds by requiring their players to report to Spring Training. Something squishy for something manly! It is a wonderful time of year because every team in baseball has a shot at this point in the year. I’ll post later about my thoughts on the upcoming Braves season.

Now back to the blog post. I had a hilarious experience occur on Facebook the other day. A friend of mine had put in his status his affinity for the movie “The Notebook”, starring…….well, starring somebody important I would imagine, I mean it is a Hollywood movie. The movie is generally considered by many (mostly women) to be the quintessential “chick flick” of the modern era. It seems to evolve around a guy and a girl, they’re together then they’re not together, they fall in love, blah, blah, blah and then someone probably dies towards the ends, roll credits.

It was after this post that the father and I began to rake this person over the coals in insults, until the father made the ultimate rebuke: “Until further notice, your man-card has been hereby revoked.” This intrigued me to the point that I set out on a quest to determine what a “man-card” is, it’s abilities/restrictions, and how one can lose or obtain one.

Let’s go through the steps of a man-card; first of all, the all important definition. Using our trusty friend Ubrandictionary.com, we find the following definition:

1. Man Card- Requirement to be accepted as a respectable member of the male community. Can and should be revoked by other respectable males for doing non-respectable-male things. We had to take away Henry's Man Card because he cried in public when Kristina dumped him.

There is another definition that goes more in-depth about the true nature of a man card.

2. Man Card- A card that doesn't actually exist, but certifies that you are male. The man card can be taken away in two circumstances. One: Your girlfriend wants to keep it. Two: You do something profoundly unmanly.

1. John had a five-star man card, but the brohood was required to take it when he wore a dress to prom.

2. Man I would come to your party, but my gf is rockin my man card. She said I had to go shopping.

Now that we have seen what the definition of the man card is, now we must dive in to how one must retain it. This is important because there are a lot of guys out there who are unconsciously breaking the man card code, with no way of knowing how to get back on the right track. There testosterone levels are dangerously close to morphing into estrogen if their female-inspired actions go unchecked. There is a disturbance in the testosterone-force Luke….

It is a simple formula. We can use this acronym: ARRO- Acknowledge, Response, Repetition, Overdoing it.

We will use “The Notebook” incident as our example throughout (sorry to you-know-who. At least I’m not using your name!)

The subject just admitted to all Facebookdom that he not only voluntarily watched “The Notebook”, but enjoyed it thoroughly. So far, there is no evidence he was doing it out of obligation to or entertainment from a girl, so we will conclude he actually wanted to watch this movie. Let’s go through the steps.

Acknowledge- Subject must acknowledge to the entire world that his action violated the key provision of the man card: Doing something profoundly unmanly. In the situation of selecting a movie, the male should never be the first to suggest a chick flick. But more importantly, you have to admit you erred. Denial can be tricky, and is easy to deny you broke a man card rule when we are talking about your manhood being on the line. Nevertheless, no matter how difficult, you must acknowledge the error in judgment. Jointly with this requirement is the necessity of being ridiculed by your fellow man cardholders. Appropriate insults can include the following: Do you use the two-ply or extended winged tampon?; Dude, you have no balls; you homo, etc.

A special note must be made when talking about what actions can require revocation of our man card. Specifically, emoticons. You will see on Facebook and in text messages that all too familiar smiley face J, the wink face ;) , the sad face L, or any of the other faces one can make with a keyboard >L, :0, >o<……my brain is starting to hurt.

These symbols are expressly forbidden by the man card code. Now I must say I am guilty of having employed them at one time or another but I have followed this progression plan and have since received mine back, certified mail.

Response- The response will be the key factor as to if you are able to comeback with a vengeance from a disgraceful fall into womanhood. What type of response and the quality of it. The response must be an action which is the complete opposite of a man card-revoking action. For example, if you find yourself tearing up at a commercial, you change the channel immediately to one of a number of channels: ESPN, Spike TV, FX, Discovery, FSN, The Sopranos. A manly activity must fill the void which the estrogen-filled mistake created. Responses can be a variety of creative actions such as music. There is not a girlie action on the planet that can withstand a Metallica song for example, so crank up the volume.

So, in our “The Notebook” example, our friend could have immediately begun employing the “Mystery Science Theater 3000 technique” and made his own movie dialogue about the film, ripping it to shreds. Or, he could have dreamed up ways to have made the movie better, like what one ingenious man thought of: Putting Velociraptors in the movie. Just think of how much better that movie would be if during the climax of the movie, like before the two main characters embraced for a romantic kiss, if all of a sudden the clicking sound of the Raptors toe claws were heard, followed by the shrieking cry of pain by the woman character? The movie just might be good enough to watch and enjoy. This idea was invented on Facebook and is now a group with over 795 members. Check out some of the other suggestions it has for movies with Velociraptors.

Repetition- Once you do a manly thing in response to violating the man card code, you must continue to do it and other manly activities. The only way to dig yourself out of this mess is to get back to being comfortable doing manly things. We like being men, it is a good thing. Can-crushing, blood-and-guts movie-watching, avid sports teams-following men cannot hope to steer clear of dangerous estrogen potholes if we don’t learn to not only do a manly activity once, but again and again. You may ask, “But BJ, if I keep doing it repetitively won’t I be overdoing it?” Funny you should ask that, because that is our fourth and final step.

Repeatedly beating to a pulp the DVD of ”The Notebook” would have been perfectly acceptable.

Overdoing it- It is good to overdo this. Don’t be afraid. In this sort of a fight, you bring a nuclear weapon to take out a wall in the kitchen for remodeling; you bring a shotgun to a knife fight, a Speedo to a swimsuit competition. We have to pulverize any and all opposition; the more over-the-top, the better.

After watching “The Notebook”, you get the urge to make fun of the movie through the “MST3K technique” mentioned earlier. You then have a feeling you have to knock over the vase of flowers sitting next to you on the end table. Running over the puddle of water and pile of now ruined flowers, you blitz the DVD-player, ejecting “The Notebook”, violently if necessary, from the player and throwing it out the window. You proceed to go outside your house and find the old Christmas tree you threw out in the backyard three years ago in hopes it would go away (another positive man card action). You place it in a fire pit, set it ablaze with “The Notebook” DVD tied to the trunk of the tree. Upon the final flame being extinguished by natural causes, you proceed to urinate on the charred remains. Once all of this is completed, you casually walk back into the house, rip open the packaging to your newest purchase, “The Expendables” and rest in peace at the thought that you have annihilated the slightest hint of estrogen creeping into your system.

To all the men out there, I accept no thanks for this valuable tool. I consider it a service to the community. To the women, this is the easiest way to understand men.

Till next week…….