My Top Five Rules For Attending A Braves Game

The next two weeks are going to be very special indeed. Why you ask? Two reasons: First, the Braves return to Atlanta from Spring Training as the regular season begins; and Second, I will be going to two games over the course of the next two weeks. The first of the two will be this coming Friday evening, attending one of the last exhibition games leading up to the season.

In case I may not have mentioned it, or someone doesn't know, I am a Braves fan. Some say I may even be a fanatic. A relative few have even suggested I am too emotionally attached to them. Until medication comes out to treat this condition, I'm left to spending much of my day researching the latest news and notes of my favorite sports team.

To prepare for the upcoming season, and for the game on Friday, I hereby release the list of "My Top Five Rules For Attending a Braves Game." These are much like the Ten Commandments though I could only come up with five. So without further adieu, ready to be etched in stone on Mt. Sinai, here are my rules.

1) Do Not Talk to Me

This rule is an important one. Focus is the key to every Braves game I attend because if the focus is broken between myself and the Braves squad, then critical, game-altering ESP communications from me to them are disrupted, leaving Bobby Cox and his players without my thoughts on the game at hand. I tried telling the season ticket office this in hopes they would give me free tickets but not only did they deny me but I was escorted off the property and Frank Wren (GM of the Braves) took out a restraining order.

Many people go to sporting events to be social; they somehow are unable to be social in their own home or at work, incapable of making a phone call, or writing an email. Instead, they go through the whole effort of buying a game ticket, paying for parking, and sitting in a stadium of 35,000 of their closest peers just to have a conversation! Restaurants are another prime target for these "socializers." The ballpark and anywhere food is served are not places to socialize (conveniently, food can be found at the stadium, increasing the need for no distractions.) Socializers should be shunned at sporting events.

2) Stand up and cheer for every good thing your team does

The following are instances when standing up and cheering is mandatory (other instances may apply): When your team throws a strikeout; when your team gets a hit, walk, RBI (runs batted-in), run, Home Run, critical out, or any out for that matter. As you can see, the list is diverse and long. In other words, you should be spending most of the game standing up and cheering if you are following this commandment correctly. The socializers will turn around and look at you funny and make disrespectful comments under their breath when you do this, but that situation is further proof to dislike socializers. The more they despise you, the better! The louder and more outspoken you are, the better as well. As the video above demonstrates, proper obedience to this commandment may require paint, brushes, and a lack of clothing (and alcohol for those who drink.)

3) Shout at least one derogatory comment or slur towards the umpires and an opposing team's player per inning (NOTE: Editor requires at minimum five for readers of this blog)

Umpires and the players of the opposing team are our enemies. Their sole purpose is to prevent the Braves from winning the game. Based on this fact, it is essential that they are intimidated whenever possible by our insults and resentment towards them. Anything to make their job harder is welcomed by this blog. Maybe even something along the lines of this:

Grenade toss with the rosin bag adds a nice touch

Since we can't be on the field as this minor league manager was, we must stress the importance of shouting at the top of our lungs. It should be stressed here that in order for the insult and taunting to be effective and intimidating, insulter should be far away from the reach of umpire and opposing player. Doing so will help avoid any possible confrontations like this one:

Be outside the zone of throwing objects

4) Shout positive, reinforcing comments towards Braves players

'Nuff said....

If it helped Adam Sandler as a waterboy, we not the Braves?

5) Never Leave Early

It does not matter how much traffic may pile up, how much rain and thunderstorms may come, or what errands must be done after the game, ye shall never leave early. I touched on this point a few posts ago so I won't go into any more detail but suffice it to say, only panzies go home early.

This has concluded the Top Five Rules For Attending a Braves Game. Following this game plan will ensure the Braves will reach the World Series in the final year of Bobby Cox's career and help Jason "Chuck Norris" Heyward in his quest to win Rookie of the Year, MVP, Nobel Peace Prize, Medal of Honor, Pulitizer Prize, CY Young, and Humanitarian of the Year (just to name a few.) We now return you to your regularly scheduled activity.