Richard Simmons wears P90X pajamas.

And so it begins. The quest to be thinner. It is one of the rare activities in life that can bring simultaneously the emotions of hope and optimism, coupled with disappointment and dread. It is every bit as literal as it is figurative when it is said that exercise and dieting can be a roller coaster ride. I always swore, even during my teenage years when my family was convinced I had a tapeworm the size of LA in my stomach, that I would never actively and methodically watch what I eat and exercise regularly.

So much for that hope, now I'm depressed. See what I mean?

For some personal reasons I decided some time ago to be more careful about what I ate and when/how often I would work out. It was a small step but for a few months now I have been able to become addicted to Coke Zero products (Pibb Zero, Cherry Coke Zero, etc.) and run 1 1/2 miles, in addition to 100 push ups and 100 sit ups. However, I have encountered some inconsistencies now that I've made these habits the norm.

First, I really suck at doing a consistent, effective workout. The following video is a nice analogy to a normal, positive workout of someone, contrasting that with a horribly inept workout I typically come up with:

Watch the whole video, it is worth it...

That second kid getting on the treadmill could explain every attempt of mine to get fit. He got on that treadmill with a lot of energy, only to fall flat on his face. Pretty hilarious if you ask me, especially if I don't think about how clearly it resembles me!

My brain would be an excellent police negotiator, lobbyist, politician, pimp, etc. because it always seems to convince me of why I shouldn't work out. An internal conversation I have almost daily can be summed up like this:

(Me): "Ok, I'm home from work, time for my workout."

(Brain): "It looks like it may rain. I see dark clouds coming our way."

(Me): "You make a convincing argument brain. I'll go inside and play video games."

Just for those of you who think I can't stand up to myself, sometimes I can have strong will-power:

(Me): "Alright, I'm home and I'm pumped up about working out today."

(Brain): "Our shins are pretty sore today. You better rest them so you aren't a complete wreck."

(Me): "Oh no, no brain, not this time. You can't fool me. We're working out and that's final."

(Brain): "Is that a new bottle of Hidden Valley Ranch I see in the fridge?"

(Me): "......touche brain. You win this round."

Editor's Note: Please disregard the fact I am speaking to a voice inside my head

No fitness goal can cure conversations with voices in my head.

As you can see, every day it's a new struggle; some new argument to overcome so that I get myself out of the house after a full day's work and do something physically beneficial.

The second problem I've encountered has to do with what I eat. As I said earlier, I've successfully addicted myself to not-quite-as-bad Coke products. Considering my absolute hate to any diet drink of past years, that feat is pretty monumental. However, it doesn't help that as I'm putting away my Coke Zero at dinner, I'm also putting the finishing touches on my potatoes with Ranch, butter, salt, pepper, garlic seasoning and cheddar cheese. Throw in chicken or steak and you have just witnessed my almost daily dinner. And that's only scratching the surface when it comes to what I eat. You should see what I have for desert.

So, in order that I be held accountable, I'm posting my new workout/diet....(*cringe*) goals. I do this so that all who read this blog know that I'm stepping it up a notch in hopes I can, at minimum, get rid of the "love handles" and beer gut-like stomach I have so tediously created over years of worthy junk food intake.

I will now jog 2 miles, do 120 push ups and sit ups for four days out of the week, while including a gym session on the fifth day. And I, Benjamin Johannes VerHoef, will be cutting out potatoes................in all their forms (french fries, steak fries, seasoned fries, tater tots, baked potatoes, etcetera, etcetera, et-freaking-cetera.) Pitiful goals? Perhaps for Hanz and Franz, but not for me. Oh no, the lack of potatoes itself will be more grueling than any triathlon, no doubt.

So wish me luck. And thanks for the patience you have had in waiting for this new blog post. Here goes nothing...........................and to describe this whole stupid "getting healthy" kick, I will allow the psychotic penguins to put it best: